So all of a sudden today I feel like I am back to square two. Not square one, because I haven't started having doubts about our decision, I'm more absolutely petrified.
I'm struggling with having to wait for scans and decisions. I trust our doctors and midwives and I know that once they have the information they need then they will be able to advise the best way forward for Emily's birth. I'm really hoping that the decision will be that I will be induced in London. I want to be in the right place for Emily, I want to know that as soon as she is born that the surgeons and specialists doctors will be there. I don't have anything against Peterborough hospital, but with all the stress and worry surrounding her birth already, I feel that for her to have to be transferred by ambulance to London for specialist care, well to me that just doesn't make sense.
Our estimated due date is 29th April, the date of the royal wedding. Around that time London is going to be even more of a nightmare than usual, there's already talks of rail strikes on the wedding bank holiday and also the May day bank holiday.
I was feeling so okay. I have been having some strange dreams, which when I wake up I can't remember but then later in the day something triggers me to remember. Last night I dreamt that I could feel and see Emily kicking me and it became quite forceful, I could see her hand pushing me from the inside, like a little handprint on my tummy but then she started coming through like she was trying to get out.
I was sat at my desk when I remembered this and just felt like I was about to cry or just lose it really. I know that the vivid dreams and such are a part of being pregnant, I just wish they wouldn't play on my negative sub-concious so much!!
I want to be positive and to a certain extent I am most days. I want to be happy and I think that I am. I am happy that we are having Emily and I promise myself everyday that we will do whatever is best for her when she arrives. I can't wait to meet her and treasure every moment we have with her.
Today is just one of those days where I'm scared, worried, nervous, stressed...... The list of emotions could go on forever I guess.
Sorry for the rubbish post, I just had to get this out somewhere xxx
I remember your feelings so much. The stress was really difficult. I got to the point that I told the doctors no more appointments for a month. I wanted a month off of appointments to just be happy with my little girl inside. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteHi, I sometimes feel the same way, very anxious and feel like I just want a normal pregnancy, one without numerous appointments and monitoring, etc but then remember that ALL pregnancies are different even for healthy kids and it goes a way. Hang in there, I have a month to go and it seems more real now, wishing you the best.
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